I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
