I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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