from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
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my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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