chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
