Ambien. No doubt about it.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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