Welp...herpes.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Randomize
