We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
