white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
