Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
