Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
