Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
