I'm going to jail i love you
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
