I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
