i just wanna soil my oats bro
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
