i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
