The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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