I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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