dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
