The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
