Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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