I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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