1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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