is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
