I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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