No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
