guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
