Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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