If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
