Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
time to smoke my breakfast
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
