Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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