i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
