Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
