I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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