Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
