My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
