I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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