i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
