I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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