Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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