My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
