Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If its not for food we ain't going out.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
