I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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