Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
