all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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