in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
