I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
