Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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