When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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