there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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