Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she pinky promised me she was 18
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
