I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
We smell like vodka and hangover
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