i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I would fuck him just for his dog
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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