I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
