Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
