You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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