so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
