after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
