well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
