My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
