Tell her she can't have a vagina
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
