dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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